Laundry
by Relics
Summary: Seras find out why Alucard should never, ever, EVER operate modernday machines... Warning! Some OOCness!
1. Washing Machines

**I do not know where all this inspiration is coming from! O-O This is like the third fic in three days! -stares at her Crispy mm's-...I think I just found my muse.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing...BLAH**

* * *

"Master?" Seras said in a tiny voice, looking at the looming figure in front of her. "Do you think this is such a good idea?" 

"And why wouldn't it be?" Alucard replied, taking off his trenchcoat and hat, throwing them into a nearby chair. His fledgling blinked and blushed, turning her back to him.

"MASTER!"

"What?" He asked, smirking. He was starting to take off his shirt, Seras very opposed to this idea. "Isn't this how you do it?"

"You have to leave some clothes on!" She snapped, trying to control her blush. She knew this wasn't a good idea, but Alucard had insisted that they had to do it.

Therefore, Seras had no choice.

They were going to do their laundry.

Why?

She didn't know. She was just sitting in her room when Alucard came in and said that he wanted to use "that weird machine that makes all the thumping noises." After five minutes, she finally figured out that he was talking about the washing machine. His excuse was that he was tired of Integra telling him he smelled like gunpowder and blood all the time. He knew that when clothes came out of the machine, they smelled nice.

This coming from Alucard was a shock. He couldn't even use the microwave, let alone a washing machine. Which was why he was even asking her to come with him, though Seras had never figured out how to use one either. She always took her uniform to the cleaners.

"But I thought the point was to WASH them," The elder vampire insisted, about to start removing his pants. "Why aren't you taking your clothes off?"

Seras was NOT about to explain to her Master why his last sentence was so wrong or take off her clothes. She just sighed. "Please, let's just clean your coat and hat first, Master..."

"Why?" He asked, crossing his arms while wrinkling his nose at the smell of detergent in the room. "It's quicker."

Seras sighed aagin. "Because the colors will mix together..." Alucard have her a blank look. "...The red will stain the white.." A stare. "...Just trust me on this, Master." He shrugged, opening the washing machine top and dropping in his hat anc coat.

"What now?"

"We put in the detergent."

"The what?"

"The smelly stuff."

"Oh." He looked around and grabbedsome Tide off the shelf. "What now?"

Seras was starting to lose her patience. How old was her Master? At least a thousand years old? More? She's seen him kill so many humans, ghouls, and vampires, yet he couldn't figure this out? At least he could regenerate his clothes; Seras couldn't.

Then again, she had to remember that Alucard attempted to show in every shape, form, or fashion that he wasn't a human, didn't want to be a human, and didn't need anything a human needed. Maybe he was just curious. She wouldn't put it past him; His behavior could be simple at times, extremely complex the next-

Seras decided to stop overthinking the situation and just get it over with.

"We have to put it into the washing machine," She explained, walking over and taking it from him. She bit her lip, debating on whether or not now was a good time to make a sarcastic comment. It was. "...Can you handle this, Master?"

He glared at her and snatched it away. "Tch," He muttered, opening the cap and pouring the liquid into the washing machine. "Humans can do this. Why can't I?"

"Master!" Seras almost shrieked as Alucard emptied the entire jug and closed the door. "You aren't supposed to put in so much!"

"Would you quit your whining?" Alucard snapped, randomly pushing some buttons. "What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

Something was up; Integra could feel it. The little bell inside her mind that always warned her of problems was going off. She narrowed her eyes, looking around her office for any suspicious looking shadows or disembodied eyes. There was none, suprisingly, which meant that though Alucard was not annoying her, he was up to something. 

"But what?" She said aloud and stood up. She walked to the door but froze when she felt the house tremble. "What?" The house trembled again, a little harder. "Walter!" The butler appeared quickly, looking as confused as the Hellsing leader. "What's going on?"

"I..I don't know," He replied truthfully. "I was just dusting the library when these tremors started!"

They braced themselves for another and looked at each other as a thought hit them. "..Walter? Where's Alucard?"

"..I don't know, Sir," He replied drily. "Why don't we go FIND him?"

* * *

Now, Alucard didn't have a lot of experiencewith many modern day marvels...But when the washing machine started to thump a lot harder than usual and spewing bubbles, he suspected something was wrong. "What is up with this thing?" He said to no one in particular. Police Girl had ran out for one second to change, foolishly leaving him alone, assuming there was no way that Alucard could do anything at all to make a bad situation worse. 

Well, he did.

Standing up, he walked over to the machine and kicked it. Hard.

And in retalition, the washing machine suddenly started overflowing with bubbles and thumping extremely hard. Hard enough to shake the house. What can we say? Walter likes having a uber washing machine. Now, the vampire KNEW something was wrong.

Machines aren't suppose to act possessed. Alucard started backing up, pulling out his Jackal and jumping when Seras walked in and shrieked. "MASTER! WHAT DID YOU DO!" She shouted over the washing machine, wincing at the loud sound.

"IT JUST STARTED FREAKING OUT!" He shouted back, backing up from the wave of soap suds starting to form on the floor. "..DO I SHOOT IT?"

"NO! WE DO NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM!"

"BUT THAT'S HOW WE KILL THE FREAKS!"

Seras was about to do something she was going to regret when the washing machine suddenly exploded and a huge tidal wave of soap and water loomed over Seras and Alucard.

"Uhhh...Master?" She said, staring at it with wide eyes.

"Yes, Police Girl?" He replied, his eyes just as wide.

"Should we run now?"

"Yes." They both turned and bolted out the door as the tidal wave of soap slammed down.

* * *

"...Alucard?"

"...Yes, Master?"

"..Seras?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"...What did you do?"

"...Uhhhh..." Both the vampires were drenched in bubbles, sopping wet, sitting in Sir Integra's office. Which was also covered in bubbles. It seems that it wasn't a good idea to have a laundry room on the same floor as your office. Because sooner or later, two vampires would go and overload a washing machine with detergent.

"...Alucard..."

"...We were trying to do laundry?"

"And WHY?"

"I wanted to smell nice?"

"...Alucard?"

"...Yes?"

**WHAM.**

Seras sweatdropped as her Master hit the floor after Integra hurled a silver ash tray at his head. "..I told you this wasn't a good idea..."

"...Shut up, Police Girl."


	2. Microwaves

**After MUCH persuading, I have decided to add another chapter. I'm really glad everyone likes this fic! XD! I may consider making this a series, but that means that you guys have to throw some suggestions at me!**

**This chapter was edited by Itaki, the beta-beta reader.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. (Can't think of anything sarcastic to say)**

* * *

It is said that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. 

And for Seras Victoria, this was all too true.

_Why do these things happen to me?_ She asked herself, sighing miserably and laying her head on the kitchen counter. It hadn't even been a week since the washing machine incident, and Alucard was already up to his tricks again.

Apparently, getting hit repeatedly on the head with a silver ashtray by a furious Integra wasn't enough to teach him a lesson.

Apparently, being forced to go with Walter as he went washing machine shopping wasn't enough punishment.

Apparently, Alucard was either extremely curious or extremely stupid.

Seras narrowed her eyes slightly at the elder vampire in front of her, who was hunched over the microwave. He was looking at it very hard and would occasionally scratch his neck.

_How do I get myself into these messes? _She asked herself, now banging her head once againist the counter. Alucard glared at her over his shoulder. She chose to ignore him.

"...What?" He asked her, crossing his arms. "What are you sulking for? I haven't even done anything yet."

The blonde sighed heavily. "I've said it once...I'll say it again," She muttered, looking at him levelly. "I do not think this is a good idea."

What Alucard wanted to do with the microwave was actually a little selfless. He had noticed that Seras was being fickle with her blood again and wasn't about to have her get weak when they may have to go on missions at any moment. His logic that if she didn't like it cold, she'd like it if he nuked it. Which was exactly what he planned to do.

If he could only figure out how to make the blasted machine work!

The blood was in a clear bowl; Seras was able to convince him that plastic would only melt in the microwave and make Integra angry. This reassured her only a little, since Alucard asked,"...What does this button do, Police Girl?"

She sighed once again, walking over to it. "That's for popcorn," She explained, keeping her temper in check. Her patience was wearing thin, and she didn't want to have helped assist in the destruction of yet another appliance. He pointed to another. "Potatoes...Rice...Frozen Meals..."

"Why does it have so many?" He complained, frowning.

"Different foods need to be cooked at different times and temperatures," She replied, watching him warily as he stuck the bowl in the machine and closed it. "Now, listen to me, Master. Put it on for ONE MINUTE."

He glared at her. "One minute?" He repeated, narrowing his eyes. "That's way too short; There's no way it'll be done in a minute!"

"Master!" Seras cried, becoming bold and gently bonking him on top of the head. "Just trust me on this! One minute, and only one minute!"

"Fine! Will you just give me some space?" He snapped, not liking being ordered around by his fledgling. He would get back at her later. But for now, he would focus at the task at hand. Mumbling, he started pressing the numbers. "See? Look, I can do it."

"I'm so pleased, Master...You can count," She replied sarcastically. Alucard suddenly grinned his insane grin, putting her instantly on guard. "..Master...Why are you smiling like that?"

"Oh, Police Girl," He purred, his tone deceptively sweet. "Thank you so much for your guidance...I would be lost without you!" He sighed dramatically, and Seras was ready to run now. Alucard only did this when he wanted to "play." And playing usually meant he chased her all over the mansion for no apparent reason except to scare her. Fun for him, not for her, since he could go through walls and she couldn't.

"..." Seras bolted for the door, her Master hot on her trail and laughing insanely. Neither noticed that the microwave read, instead of 1:00, 10:00.

* * *

Alucard finally gave up his chase of Seras after they had ran around in Integra's office, causing the woman to nearly burst a vein when Alucard messed up the huge amount of paper work on her desk. Most of it was because of his latest stunt. After Integra gave Alucard another tongue thrashing, both humbly (Well, at least Seras) walked out. 

Alucard was sulking. "Come on, Master, cheer up!" Seras said, smiling a little. "You caught me!"

"I ALWAYS catch you," He growled, crossing his arms. "Stupid Master...It's not MY fault she has all that paperwork..."

Though it was actually his fault, the blonde wasn't about to contradict him. She only chuckled and stopped suddenly. "Oh no...Master! We forgot about the microwave!"

"So?"

"The blood's gonna be cold again..."

Alucard blinked and waved his hand. "Come on then. If it is cold, we'll just heat it up again..." He said, walking to the kitchen. He didn't think it was such a big deal; They'd only be gone at least five minutes. Seras followed him and suddenly wrinkled her nose.

"Master..What is that horrible smell?" She asked, coughing slightly. The elder vampire didn't answer, trying to ignore it.

"No idea..Probably some of Walter's cooking." He chuckled at his joke as they walked into the kitchen. And froze. "...Police Girl?"

"Yes, Master?" She replied, her eyes shut as she tried to not gag at the smell. "What is it?"

"..Is it bad when the microwave is all...thumping and stuff?"

Seras froze. "...What do you mean?" She asked in a panicked voice. Alucard's body was blocking her view, so she didn't know what he was talking about.

"The glass thing inside is thumping and the bowl is bubbling...And now the window thing is all red..."

"Master! I thought you only put it on for a minute!"

"I did!" He squinted at the numbers. "...Why does it say 4:00?"

Seras nearly ran over Alucard in an effort to see what was happening. "IT WHAT!" The elder vampire sweatdropped slightly as the microwave started to shake very hard. Just like the washing machine. And when that happens, that means that something was about to explode.

He grabbed Seras and moved out of the way just as the microwave door burst open, spewing nuked blood all over the kitchen. It smelled horrible, making the both of them gag as the microwave still thumped around. Alucard did NOT like this one bit, so he did what he did best; he pulled out his Jackal and started shooting it.

Apparently, the microwave did not like being shot at. Because after a few shots, it promptly exploded into a nice fiery little mass of electrical junk. This also made an extremely loud sound, attracting the maids and Walter. And the butler could only stare at what was once a microwave as Alucard and Seras got as far from Integra's office was possible without leaving the country.

* * *

"You...You...You..." Was all Integra could say as she deathglared the vampires, more towards the elder, who glared back. "...How...do you...**EXPLODE **a microwave?" 

"It's not my fault!" Alucard protested. "It's a piece of crap!"

"Alucard."

"I always get blamed for these things!"

"Alucard..."

"I was only trying to-"

**WHAM.**

Once again, Alucard's forehead met Integra's silver ashtray. Seras sweatdropped. "I told you, Master..."

"...Shut...up..."

* * *

**What are ye waiting fer? Send meh ya ideas! (feels like acting like a pirate) Adios!**


	3. The Internet Part 1

**Thank you for all the suggestions everyone! I had no idea that Alucard could mess up so many appliances! I plan to use MANY of these ideas. And since many people suggested the same thing, I want to give a huge thanks. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

**One quick note: This story has two parts. My beta-beta reader Itaki suggested the second part. o.O She's as insane as me...But everyone enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing...but I do own the insanity that is being caused.**

* * *

Alucard sighed. He tapped his fingers on the desk, propping up his elbow and putting his chin on his hand. His crimson eyes narrowed slightly as he glared at the computer monitor. 

This was taking forever.

The vampire sighed again. "How does Walter endure this?" He muttered aloud. He had been sitting there for five minutes, waiting for the computer to turn on. And it was five minutes too long. The computer was taking forever. And all Alucard wanted to do was a search on guns.

Ever since the microwave and washing machine incident, Alucard wasn't allowed to leave the mansion grounds, much less the basement, except when Integra needed him. Seras had felt a little bad about this, so she managed to convince Walter to install a computer down there to keep him entertained. Both failed to tell him that it would take so long for it to actually boot up.

Another sigh. What was he supposed to do with a computer anyway? He didn't want to play those card games Seras had shown him on the normal computer Walter used. He didn't want to play MineSweeper, though it was always fun clicking on the bombs and killing the smiley face. What had peaked his interest was the Internet. The entire worldin his hands at his command? Who would want to past that up?

"Finally!" He said in relief as the desktop came up. "Took you long enough..." Grabbing the mouse, he move the cursor to the little "E". Nothing happened. He blinked and moved the cursor on it again.

Nothing.

Alucard groaned. Now the mouse was broken! He kept moving the cursor over it. Nothing ever happened. In frustration, he pressed down, causing the mouse to click. A window came up almost immediently. The vampire stared at it and grinned truimphantly. He knew that, sooner or later, the computer would bend to his will.

Looking at the piece of paper Seras had given him which listed a few websites he would need to know, he started typing in "Google." Again, nothing happened. "Oh no, you don't!" He growled at it, glaring. The computer just sat there. The mouse clicked, and Alucard had an epiphany; If you click the mouse, it does things on the monitor! He was a genuis!

"And they said I had no technology skills.."

He clicked on the address bar and typed in "Google." He happily chuckled as it worked almost instantly. "Now...To search for 'Big Guns'..." He typed that in, very pleased when it came up with over a million results. He never knew humans liked weapons so much!

"Let's see here..." He mumbled, looking over the results. "..This looks like a good one...'See This Man's Big Gun'..." He clicked on the link.

And stared.

His eyes widened.

And Alucard started screaming. "**_POLICE GIRL!_**" He shouted as loud as he could, backing away from the monitor. Seras ran in, looking concerned.

"Master? What's-?" That's as far as she got because she caught sight of what was on the computer screen. "AHHHH! MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES!" She and Alucard both bolted from the room, screaming bloody murder. They tore up the stairs and ran outside as fast as they could.

Walter, who had been taking a short tea break, stared at them as they passed. He sighed. "I knew I should have warned Alucard to be careful about what he searched..." He muttered, finishing his tea and going to Integra's office to explain why her two vampire agents were screaming like little girls who had just seen a mouse.

* * *

"Alucard..." Integra said in a very calm voice to the vampire who was up againist the wall, looking ready to flee at any given moment. "Calm down..." 

"YOU CALM DOWN!" He snapped, his eye twitching like crazy. "YOU HUMANS ARE FILTHY!"

"Alucard...Not all sites on the internet are like that one..."

"LIES! THAT WAS JUST PLAIN WRONG! SICK!"

"Some sites are actually very educational..."

"AND YOU CALL ME A MONSTER!"

The blonde woman sighed, rubbing her temples. There was no way she could talk to Alucard when he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Poor Seras had locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She grinned suddenly.

Wait...This could be fun. In fact, this was the perfect way to get back at Alucard for all the times he tormented her. "Alucard?" She said in a suddenly sweet voice. He eyed her suspicously. "...Did you know that Walter used to star in things like that?"

Alucard ran the door to her office down, screaming bloody murder again and trying to make his way to the basement. And he passed Walter on the way. "What's the matter?" He asked the vampire, who only stared at him with huge eyes. "...Alucard? You look paler than usual..."

"STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM ME!" The vampire shouted and disappeared into the shadows and hiding under a blanket with Seras.

The butler blinked, confused, as Integra walked up, chuckling. "What was that about?"

"Oh, nothing..." Integra said innocently. "You should probably stay away from Alucard for a few days, Walter. He'll be reduced to a crying girl if he sees you."

* * *

**XD! Remember, this is part 1 of 2. That means that Alucard's computer antics aren't over yet. What could we possibly do to make terrify Alucard further?**

**I got one word for ye: Spam.**

**Anyways, you know the drill! Adios!**


	4. The Internet Part 2

**o.o You know what? You guys have officially made my brain decide to make this fanfic long. How do you guys make my one-shots explode into stories? (laughs) I'm not complaining; I love reading all of your reviews. So far, I'm planning achapter for the car, the toaster, the lawnmower, and the vacuum cleaner. And the VCR...(coughs)**

**As always, thanks for the reviews!**

**Chapter was edited by Itaki, the beta-beta.**

**Disclaimer: Be thankful that I don't own Hellsing after what you've just read.**

* * *

After bribing, the installing of a parental block, the allowance of a rampage in London, and even a visit to a very bewildered Catholic priest, Alucard wasn't scared of his computer anymore. 

Of course, he still couldn't look Walter in the eye, but that was another thing entirely.

This event, though, didn't mean that his punishment still wasn't in effect. Alucard still couldn't leave his room, but now he felt safer with the parental block installed on his computer. Plus, he was starting to get the hang of the machine; It had only been a matter of time before it bended to his will.

He was just suffering random sites that he didn't exactly understand when all of a sudden, another window popped up. Alucard blinked, clicking on it. In big, bold letters, it read: "**SHOOT THE ALIEN AND WIN A PRIZE!**"

"..A prize?" He said aloud, curious. Walter hadn't told him that the computer would give him prizes! And that he could shoot things! Eagerly, he pulled out his Jackal and was about to shoot when he noticed some instructions near the bottom of the window: "Aim your cursor on it and click!"

The vampire did so, nearly squealing with delight as the alien exploded in a green, gory mess. Then, he actually did when yet another pop-up popped up! This time, though, he had to shoot some guy named Bill. Which he happily did, and again, more pop-ups.

Alucard only thought it fair to kill more cyber objects, which he proceeded to do, cackling.

* * *

Three hours later, Alucard had sucessfully killed over 500 aliens, rabbits, monkeys, and various political figures with guns, rubberbands, toilet plungers, and just about everything else. And now he was very bored. And his finger hurt. Yawning, he moved the cursor and clicked on the little x. 

Nothing happened.

Alucard stared at the screen and tried it again.

There was a tiny beep, and suddenly, the computer screen started shaking strangely. The pop-ups started to become distorted as the computer made some sounds that Alucard KNEW were not good.

"Uh oh..."

* * *

Seras was reading a book peacefully when all of a sudden Alucard's head popped up between the pages. "POLICE GIRL!" He shouted, and she screamed from suprise, closing the book instantly. It took her a moment to register what she just did and quickly opened it. 

"Sorry, master, you scared me!" She apologized as Alucard glared at her. "...What is it?"

"The uh...The computer..." He mumbled, looking around. "..."

She narrowed her eyes. "Master...What did you do?"

"MASTER."

"I swear, I didn't mean to do it!"

"Do what?"

"It was all the alien's fault! It made me do it!"

Before she could reply, there was a small tremor. Seras grabbed Alucard by the hair, much to his protest, and ran towards in room to see his computer catch on fire. "MASTER! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

The elder vampire stared at the fire, sweatdropping. "I onlyclicked on some 'Win free stuff' ads on it! I didn't shoot it when a blue screen that said 'Error' popped up!"

"There's...a... BULLET HOLE IN THE MONITOR!"

Alucard contemplated this. "...The judas priest did it."

This time, the computer exploded much like the microwae before it, and with much more sparks. And to make matters worse, the lights in the Hellsing mansion flickered and went out. There was complete darkness except for a pair of red eyes, one looking very angry.

"...Master..." Seras said quietly, her eye twitching slightly.

"...Yes?"

"...You're an idiot..."

* * *

Integra couldn't see straight. All she could see was red. And it wasn't because of the vampire sitting in front of her, looking uncomfortable. "You..." She snarled, shaking so badly that she couldn't light the much needed cigar. "Arethe biggest...idiot...I have ever...ever...ever...had the misfortune of dealing with..." 

"...I didn't MEAN to shoot the computer..." He mumbled, wishing Seras was with him. But she refused to even look at him. She couldn't get over the fact that he had wrecked the equivalent of half an electronics store. "But it was...acting likea freak...It could have gone and sucked your blood..."

Integra rubbed her temples, wanting alcohol. "Alucard...I hate to do this to you..." She said tiredly as Walter walked in, grinning. The vampire stared at the butler with large eyes as he pulled up a leash. "But you've left me no choice..."

"No...Please, Master, no! I'll stay in my room! I'll be good! I won't back talk you or anything!" He pleaded, running to the other side of the room and plastered himself against the wall as the butler came closer, now revealing a white collar.

"It's too late for that, Alucard." She had to grin as Walter laughed at the cowering vampire. "You're getting a flea bath."

* * *

**o.o I ran out of punishments for Alucard. And getting a flea bath has GOT to be degrading! (Think of what Integra is implying!) Anyways, you know the drill. Sorry this was late, I haven't had a very good week. For those of you who like it, "MatchMaker" will most likely not be updated until next week. Sorry, but this week is NOT a good one for me.**

**Adios!**


	5. The TV

**o.o What do you get when you add insomnia and late night TV? This little number! XD This was extremely fun to write. This is based off the Direct TV commercials coming on lately. o.o if you don't know what those are, WHO CARES? It's still funny!**

**Poor Alucard..I abuse him. X3**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or Direct TV.**

* * *

Alucard yawned as he walked down the stairs leading to the basement. It'd been an extremely long night; The usual shoot-everything-until-it-dies mission. And while it was extremely fun killing things, it got very boring very quickly. All the vampire looked forward to now was sipping on his blood pack and going to sleep. 

Little did he know that sleep would not come easily for him, oh no! Little did he know that deep within the bowels of the basement lurked an enemy more terrifying than any he had ever known! Little did he know of the horrors that awaited him! Little did he know the horror of cable television!

Our victim- I mean, Alucard, walked to his room, not even bothering to open the door, sighing with relief when he saw his blood chilling in a bucket. He strolled over to it, eagerly taking a sip, when he noticed something strange. His coffin was glowing a weird blue color. It glowing red was normal, but blue? Something was up with that.

Narrowing his crimson eyes, he walked up to it, his bloodpack in one hand, his gun in the other. Carefully, with the grace only years at the ballet could achieve, he kicked open the coffin...What? You guys didn't know that Alucard did ballet? How do you think he got such a strong posture?

Alucard found himself staring at a blue screen with the words "Direct TV" on it.

This was most unusual.

"About time you got home!" The TV suddenly screeched, shocking the vampire so much, he dropped his blood pack. "God, look at the mess you just made!"

Alucard just stared at it, his eyes as wide as plates.

"How the fudge do you vampires live in these coffins?" It continued, not moving, yet somehow speaking. "So cramped...Anyways, I'm here to tell you about Direct TV." It cleared its...It sounded like it cleared its throat.

"For your convenience, we offer a range of base packages all with local channels included. TOTAL CHOICE - Over 135 Channels$41.99/mo!  
Want a great introduction to DIRECTV® service? Our TOTAL CHOICE package delivers over 135 quality channels of movies, sports, family and music programming, plus you'll get your local channels. Enjoy your favorites and a whole lot more — all at one low price!"

Alucard was now cocking his gun, his eye twitching. He was going to shoot the possessed machine and put it out of its misery. Plus, it was seriously freaking him out.

"Hey, wait a second!" The TV protested as he aimed the Jackal at it. "You can't shoot me!" Mr.Jackal begged to differ. The TV started screaming as it was shot at, screaming bloody murder, which only seemed to scare Alucard more. He actually started to panic and started shooting it with the Casull.

Finally, Alucard ran out of bullets, and the TV was a smoking mess. The vampire sighed with relief and turned his back to it when he froze at a voice: "Oh, dude, that was NOT cool!" Slowly, he turned his head, his eyes twitching, and once again found himself staring at the blue screen of Doom.

"What? Did you think a few bullets would stop me?"

It was Alucard's turn to scream as he plastered himself againist the wall as the TV quoted more of what Direct TV had to offer.

Well, all this screaming attracted some attention, mainly from Seras Victoria. She hurried to her Master's room, kicking open the door, her Harkcannon ready. "Master, what's wrong?" She cried and stared in disbelief at the TV. "What is that and why is it smoking?"

"It was..talking to me!" He shouted, giving it a deathglare. "I'm serious, it was talking!"

Seras gave him a look that questioned his sanity. "..Master..It's just a-"

"Well, hello there, hot stuff!" The TV quirked and gave a wolf whistle. Seras nearly dropped her gun like Alucard dropped his blood pack. Except she was so taken back that she promptly shot the TV. And the TV, along with Alucard's coffin and a wall, blew up into a million pretty sparkly pieces. And they could STILL hear the TV screaming: "I REGRET NOTHING!"

* * *

Integra glared at Seras and Alucard, her eye twitching like crazy. Seras looked embarassed while Alucard was eyeing her desk suspiciously. "...There was a TV...and it talked to you...Talked to you BOTH...And that's why...you shot it..." Integra said slowly, looking down right evil. 

"There's no way that thing is gone.." Alucard murmered, ignoring his Master. "It's around here...Waiting...I bet it's in your desk..."Integra hurled the silver ash tray at him.

"PAY ATTENTION, YOU IDIOT!"She snapped and was about to throw something else when an all too familiar voice came from her desk.

"Ha! Not even explosions can take me out!"

The three looked at each other and slowly exited the room as the TV started ranting again about the wonders of cable.

* * *

**Random? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Hilarious? XD Yes! This TV isn't gone yet! o.O Not by a long shot. I hope everyone enjoys this! Read and review!**

**Adios!**


End file.
